After a clerical error caused by a glitch in a Clinton-era White House computer infected with a virus as a result of Ben Rhodes’ [redacted] habitual [redacted] prevented President Obama from signing a full pardon for 1993 World Trade Center bombing mastermind Omar Abdel-Rahman before leaving office a month ago, the so-called Blind Sheikh exited this plane of existence while in federal custody early this morning.
Egyptian media had reported around 2012 that Abdel-Rahman was being considered for clemency by the Obama administration.
Abdel-Rahman is considered a prime Satanic acquisition adding star power to the underworld lineup because he has done so much for the cause. In addition to his pioneering work on the Twin Towers, he won fans in the lake of eternal fire after he issued a fatwa linked to the assassination of Egyptian President Anwar Sadat. Understandably, the sheikh is a hero to his followers, including deposed Egyptian President Mohamed Morsi, as well as a spiritual leader of al-Qaeda and other jihadist groups like the Muslim Brotherhood. As previously reported,
A year after Rahman was sentenced to life in prison, terrorists from his Muslim Brotherhood splinter organization, the Islamic Group, carried out the Luxor Massacre in Egypt. European tourists had their ears and noses cut off before being killed. The attack had been carried out to take hostages to exchange for Lynne Stewart’s client [i.e. Abdel-Rahman]. A note calling for the release of Rahman was found in a disemboweled body. [Editor’s note: Bonus points for style!]
Abdel-Rahman was welcomed personally by the Prince of Darkness himself, along with A-listers Adolf Hitler, Osama bin Laden, Saul Alinsky, A People’s History of the United States author Howard Zinn, and Walter Duranty, at a lavish reception catered by Washington, D.C. area hipster hangout chain Busboys and Poets, at which halal delicacies from the Muslim evangelist’s homeland of Egypt were served, along with a multitude of tasty haram dishes.
“It’s better to rule in Hell than serve in Heaven, eh Lucifer, my old friend,” the great slayer of infidels quipped to laughter and loud applause. “Drinks are on the house, right?” he added, gesturing towards the bar and the plentiful supply of pork-based products.
The Despoiler of Souls held an informal presser mid-reception to which he summoned Buzzfeed founder Ben Smith, along with Washington Post writers Greg Sargent, Dave Weigel, Jennifer Rubin, and E.J. Dionne, a perennial favorite of the Dark Lord. Side by side with Nicolae Ceaușescu and Idi Amin, the dark figure also known as Mephistopheles announced that Lynne Stewart, the Muslim cleric’s lawyer and co-conspirator, is welcome anytime:
My gates will swing open to Lynne whenever my former employer sees fit to cease her life functions. I have learned through back channels that Peter examined the Book of Life and found her name was deleted decades ago so he has no intention of contesting Lynne’s soul, so we are expecting a smooth transition for her.
Stewart addressed the partygoers via an inter-dimensional satellite feed. “Don’t let my absence hold up the fun, comrades,” the beloved grandmotherly Maoist said to an appreciative Lord of the Flies and an adoring crowd.
Lead 9/11 hijacker Mohammed Atta, whose daily regimen in the bottomless pit The Onion reported includes vomiting up “wasps, hornets, and live coals” and being “fed the boiling feces of traitors,” was given a rare 24-hour pass to party with his mentor and assembled celebrities.
Among the notable attendees spotted at the star-studded soiree were Karl Marx, Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Fidel Castro, Kim Jong-il, Maurice Strong, Dalton Trumbo, Reinhard Heydrich, Alger Hiss, Yasser Arafat, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, Benedict Arnold, Barack Obama Sr., Frank Marshall Davis, Lavrentiy Beria, Antonio Gramsci, the Rev. Jim Jones, and Aileen Wuornos. Josef Stalin did not attend after a recent cafeteria mishap with Hitler reopened old animosities between the two leaders who reconciled during the Vietnam War.
Infernal sources not authorized to speak on the record said that George Soros, O.J. Simpson, Bradley/Chelsea Manning, Bowe Bergdahl, Dylann Storm Roof, former British MP George Galloway, Kermit Gosnell, Mumia abu Jamal, Van Jones, Noam Chomsky, Gloria Allred, Naomi Klein, her husband Avi Lewis, Woody Allen, and Katrina vanden Heuvel have already prequalified for netherworld citizenship.
“As long as they don’t do something really stupid like starting an orphanage in Calcutta or preventing genocidal acts in their remaining time among the living, they are so in,” said a fallen angel who requested anonymity because his contract is up for renewal.