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Incompetent Trump protester fails to self-immolate

Proper training is required to flambé oneself for social justice

Matthew Vadum author image / /   29 Comments

A Trump-hating protester set himself on fire last night outside the Trump International Hotel a few blocks from the White House in Washington, D.C. but failed to kill himself, according to reports.

The as yet unidentified 45-year-old Californian used an unidentified accelerant and a lighter in an unsuccessful attempt to flambé himself for social justice.

“I tried to light myself on fire as an act of protest,” he reportedly told reporters before they filed their reports. He said he was making a statement about “the fact that we’ve elected somebody who is completely incapable of respecting the Constitution of the United States.”

He was admitted to hospital with serious but not life-threatening burns much to the dismay of #DisruptJ20 leaders. Police have so far declined to press charges. President Obama still has around 46 hours to honor the man with a medal.

It was unclear at time of writing if the man was insane or simply a very dedicated demonstrator. Given his disinclination to fully combust he is unlikely to have been an Eagle Scout.